HOW TO SURVIVE PET LOSS

[Die Fledermaus]

When we lose a loved one, the stories of our lives change forever. Our connections to those beings are not gone, but are transformed as we move forward in time. The ways in which we choose to mark and honor seminal events such as marriages, births, important religious or spiritual milestones, life-stage transitions or deaths are steeped in the ancient tradition of ritual. Our life stories and who we are change through loss. Despite the pain, most people come to discover "positives" that, upon reflection, help us appreciate lessons learned and personal strengths or qualities that would not have been discovered without such powerful transitions. Marking these losses through rituals or other means of memorializing is a healthy first step toward moving through the tasks of mourning.

See Also: 5 Strategies for Surviving the Loss of a Pet


Rituals Help With the Reality of Loss

In the case of death, rituals serve many healthy purposes. On a personal level, they allow us to take time to pause, reminisce, honor and cement in memory the gift of presence and a shared relationship. They help us tune in to the reality of loss when sometimes it just doesn't feel quite "real." Memorials allow us to celebrate what was and to begin to mourn what has been lost. On a social level, they allow us to gather support from others and to allow others who love and care about us to offer support. Those others are also given an opportunity to celebrate and mourn. Bereavement, although unique to each individual, is a shared and very communal experience.

Importantly, rituals of remembrance - no matter what they are - act as anchors to help us as we try to make sense of the pain and heartbreak. Rituals help us start to write the next chapter in the story of our changed realities.

Sometimes, the loss of a pet can be surprisingly overwhelming. It is not uncommon for people to find themselves blindsided by how deeply they are affected when a pet dies. For some, this is the worst experience of loss they have yet experienced. They are surprised, and sometimes ashamed, by how hard they are hit by the death of a pet. They may think there is something wrong with them. It can be a singularly isolating experience, and society often dismisses the loss of a pet as not that important compared with the loss of a human loved one. But the truth is, sometimes losing a pet is the worst loss someone will ever experience. The ways that we find to make sense of how a loss affects us - and to find support along the way - often starts with ritual.

See Also: How to Say Goodbye to a Pet


Grief and Remembrance

After many years of practicing veterinary medicine, I am continually amazed at the ways people find to begin that "sense-making" process. What seems normal and acceptable to some seems weird and crazy to others. Remember that however you decide to remember your pet, it is the act of taking time to remember that counts. Cultural or spiritual traditions can add richness to various means of expression, so as you look to support others, remember that just because something is unfamiliar or even weird to you, it may be the one single thing that helps them the most.

For instance, I am a writer and I find comfort in journaling or in reading what others have written when they have lost a pet. One of my favorite books is Angel Pawprints: Reflections on Loving and Losing a Canine Companion (Laurel E. Hunt, Ed.). From Rudyard Kipling to Eugene O'Neill, some of the greatest writers the world has ever known have waxed poetic in their personal expressions of loss and remembrance related to an animal companion.

So, for me, I find the greatest solace in words. For others, however, it may be tangible things. Some people save pet ID tags or collars, or fashion bits of cremains into lovely fused-glass items or pottery glazes. They may travel the world sprinkling ashes as a way of holding close the memories of their friend. Others may hold funerals, wakes or foster homeless pets. Some may place a snip of hair in a locket, plant a fruit tree or flowering plant over a grave, or hang pawprints on a wall over a desk. All are important ways to remember, and there are as many ways to remember as there are people who have deeply loved a pet. Find one that works for you.

In our house, given the number of beloved beings (human and other-than-human) we have lost, things started getting a little crowded with these types of tangibles. So now we often honor those lives through making donations to charitable causes that serve both human and animal health and well-being... living legacies that remind us that the love we shared lives on through service to others.
Resources for Making Sense of Pet Loss

Increasingly, there is more understanding of how difficult it can be to lose an animal companion. Good resources for help can be found through the Association for Death Education and Counseling.

Let your heart take the lead, and allow your head to rest a bit as you decide what feels "right" when first processing loss. Most often the heart of love we shared will steer us in the right direction.
More on Vetstreet.com:
* 20 Dog Breeds Sadly Losing Popularity in U.S.

shine.yahoo.com/pets/rituals-help-cope-pet-loss-131400759.html


i always get sad because my religion says animals don't go to heaven, but i think they must. why would God create such wonderful beings for nothing?I know i will see my deceased animals again

13 Replies
Leslie
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Leslie • 1 hour 12 minutes ago Report Abuse

Wow, I'm the first commenter! When I lost my childhood pets, each time my family and I gathered for a funeral. We buried them and then picked out a grave marker for them. To this day, one of the hardest deaths to affect me was my childhood dog. He passed away in 2009 at the age of 17. I still... More

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momonster
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momonster • 48 minutes ago Report Abuse

I now have 7 adopted dogs, 2 adopted cats, 2 adopted parrots, 4 adopted guinea pigs. All because my beloved was killed at 2 years of age. I mourn to this day, 8 years after his loss. I was never so in love as with Remus. Introduce a new adopted pet to your family as soon as feasible. The vacuum... More

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LouisM
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LouisM • 24 minutes ago Report Abuse

The reason we feel so much grief over losing a pet, especially a dog or cat, is that for the 12 -15 years we have them they are constantly dependent on us like small children . . and when they do die we feel that level of loss like we would for a child . . They are innocent and unconditional in... More

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C
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C • 1 hour 8 minutes ago Report Abuse

This is a good article. I know when my very beloved dog of 15 years passed away almost two years ago, I was overcome with the grief that came along with it. Cried for three weeks straight and truly felt I must be going crazy. I found comfort in several of the rituals mentioned in the article. ... More

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menanny
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menanny • 22 minutes ago Report Abuse

People that don't have pets can't always understand the loss that you feel. It is real and takes some time to get over. do what you need to do to mourn the loss of your friend.

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cmotorray
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cmotorray • 54 minutes ago Report Abuse

i will never get over my dogs death it was so sudden. I didnt feel this bad when my dad passed.

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Rachel
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Rachel • 40 minutes ago Report Abuse

Losing a beloved pet is really, really hard. They are family and now they are gone. What I have found is the best is to, eventually, get another pet. I have two cats now and when one passes on, I will get another one for the remaining cat. She will be too lonely without a buddy.
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[Die Fledermaus]

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5 Strategies for Surviving the Loss of a Pet

>> After more than 30 years as a practicing veterinarian, and many, many personal losses, I’ve learned some strategies that can help pet owners who are dealing with the loss of a beloved companion. While we veterinarians do everything we can to keep your pet healthy and happy, euthanasia is often a necessary — and very difficult — part of our job. But we are all proud of this part of our work; we not only ease suffering, but we are almost alone in the medical field in actively ending pain, often at great emotional toll to ourselves.

My professional familiarity with death means I also know a great deal about grief — my own, of course, and also that of the families whose pets I have looked after throughout their lives. Helping those who remain behind is also part of my work, and over the years, I have learned a few useful strategies for coping with this loss.
Give Yourself Time — and Permission — to Grieve

In general, grown-ups don’t like to cry in public, and we don’t like to share how much we’re hurting. But it’s extremely important to remind yourself that love is love and that loving a pet is no different from loving a person — and when you lose your pet, you will feel like crying. Your feelings are not wrong, and you need time to work through your grief. Don’t try to minimize the bond you and your pet shared. No matter what anyone else says or thinks or what you were raised to believe, I am confident that your pet loved you, truly. Let yourself believe this, too, and don’t rush to “get over it.” You can’t hurry grief, so be kind to yourself and let yourself feel what’s in your heart.
Take Care of Yourself

Losing someone we love can be exhausting, emotionally and physically. While you are grieving, it's important that you eat well and get enough sleep. You’ll do better in the short run — and certainly in the long run — if you look after your own health right now. Stick to healthy, good foods, and resist the impulse to go for the junk because it’s there and it’s easy. Comfort food can be good food, too, of course — but again, try to stick with healthy choices and appropriate portions. And don't be afraid to touch base with your doctor if you feel yourself struggling to get back to normal. Don’t try to “gut it out” — experts say you’ll just prolong your grief.

Avoid “He Was Just a Pet” People

You know who these people are — they're the ones who never really understood the bond between you and your pet in the first place. Often, they’re trying to be helpful, but chances are their comforting words will only make you feel worse. And then there are the people who will attempt to “one-up” your grief or put your loss in context: “At least it wasn’t a child, just a pet” … “When I lost my husband I learned that losing a pet wasn’t really that big of a deal” … “Just get another one right away!” … and so on. If you can’t avoid their comments, no matter how well-meaning, try to ignore them or change the subject. It's OK to say that you don't want to talk about your loss — even if it's only this one particular person you don't want to talk with.
Seek Out Support

This is a great time to call a friend. The pet-loving people in your life understand what you’re going through and they’ll be there for you. Don’t be shy about talking with people who care about you and who will offer genuine sympathy. Ask for help if you need it, even with mundane tasks; if you can’t deal with picking up your pet's ashes or packing up his toys, ask a friend to help, for example. If you need more support than friends can give, your veterinarian may be able to help you find a pet-loss support group or a pet-loss hotline (many veterinary schools and colleges have them). There are also pet-centered websites for memorials, some of which have staffed pet-loss support chat rooms — seek them out.
Make Plans for a Memorial

Plant a tree, make a memorial donation to an animal charity, scrapbook a memorial … you’ll know what works for you. I recently spoke at a conference of pet-loss professionals about the strength of the human-animal bond, and while I was there, I learned a lot, too. There are many choices in memorials, from the simple and private to the most elaborate. It’s all about what you feel comfortable doing. At our Almost Heaven Ranch, we have a graveyard for our animals, and celebrating their lives is an important part of the Becker family traditions.

I meet a lot of pet lovers, and if you are among them, please tell me about your pet. I am always ready to listen — and I'm just as ready with a hug. <<